Sunday, March 11, 2018

This and that

Hello cyber people... it's been so so long.

So I thought I'd update you (and me's probably more for me, if I ever one day will read all my blog again) on how things have gone since last summer.

Researchwise, things took a better turn towards the end of the year, I got two international grants and a couple more papers which was very nice and will hopefully help moving onto the next step in the ladder. In the new year a few more things have worked out also so I feel much more appreciated and positive I can make the most of this job.

The children are well, completely settled. Martina started school last September and she loves it, they are both avid readers (at their levels of course) which we are delighted with. Oliver turned 7 in January and he is much better, still has the silliness shining through more often that we would like but what can you do, hopefully he will grow out it in another little while (then he will be a teenager soon...I'm aware we will have another set of issues...). Martina is 5 in 6 weeks... she is so much more mature though, could just be 7 and you wouldn't blink. Both of them are very sweet actually, they mostly play together nicely (which includes brother/sister fights and the like fo course). I want to post here a pic we took at Christmas, it's one of my favourites!

Other than this life at home is ticking along, I'm very sad to say that that's about the level of excitement I can report. It's been like this for a good while unfortunately. The plan would be to move to the continent but it has to be Mike making the move this time, and it's not happening. He says he really would like to move of course...since January 2017...he has not applied for a single job yet. This inertia is killing me, in all honesty....I would have found it impossible to stick around if the situation was different...but that's how it is and I am stuck, no point in hoping it will change, it won't. 

Finally, we went skiing in February and it was fabulous, oh my god...I so so love the mountains, I could happily live in a hut if this was my view from the window...I will do all I can to make it happen.

I'll try and be back a bit sooner, I want you know that I still read you all. Hugs to all.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Still low

It seems this blog has yet again taken the role of holding my sorrow...
I am not doing much better than the last time. Sometimes I think I am and then... bang! another rejection  (two would you believe it since the last time I wrote) another sign that my ship has sailed and now they are investing in younger researchers, those that probably will have a much brighter future.

I don't know how to snap out of this status, I feel the institution where I work now has lured me in, got me on the cheap, and now not really investing in me. Why would they do this I wonder? And how can I change it? And more importantly, where do I find the energy to keep smiling and act the Rachel "gracious loser face"?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

I'm still here

It's been so long. The longer it went the more difficult it got to write something. Anything at all.

Children are well and settled in school/day care. It took a while for Oliver but thankfully he is now a very happy boy and his behaviour is also much improved. I love the conversations he is capable of. His latest thing is "Mamma if you die, can daddy marry someone else?" of course I say, only there is no need for me to die really if he wants to marry someone else, he just has to "unmarry" me.

Mike has finally started working in April, he is much happier and while having him at home was great for school runs etc, financially meant we could not save anything. His contract is only till february so we'll see what happens next.

I am not doing very well. Oh everything is ok thankfully, I got more active, I did the couch to 5K challenge and I'm happy to report I made it and try to run that much 3 times a week (with varying degree of success). But work and my science spark has taken a major hit. Two hits in fact in the space of a week... one big paper rejected and one grant (which was vital for mobility and future plans) also rejected at the first evaluation. And I crumbled like never before. I'm questioning why I'm doing this job at all, what value is it really adding to society etc. The thought of going back to study medicine (which was my true call) has reappeared but it's tainted by the fact that I'm probably too old to start now, and the what if I can't actually deal with the emotional side of it all in the end (which was the original reason why I didn't do it in the first place). So I have days where I really would like to do nothing at all. Yet I have people depending on me, my group of lovely and still optimistic students and post docs...and I look at them and think "what do I have to give you anymore?".

Friday, September 9, 2016

Everyone is here

Hello my friends...

Bullet points till I will find some more mojo to get back to writing!

  • Where has the summer gone? Children were in Italy for 6 weeks, we joined them for the last 2 weeks and I took them back with me to Nottingham. Let me tell you, it has not been easy. No childcare to speak of, I was facing 3 weeks of juggling the children and the work on my own. Thankfully I found a summer camp on campus which I used to the last available hour for Oliver and I dragged along Martina when she didn't have her induction time in the day care (also on campus). The weather has been very kind to us, and the house with the garden, and the trampoline (bless whoever invented the trampoline) helped massively to burn energies (the children) and keep the sanity (mine).
  • Mike has moved over last friday and as he is now officially in charge of the children and the house while I take a break and go to the seriously, I am in owe of single moms with young children and no help who seem to manage so gracefully. Kudos to you all out there.
  • Mike has no job yet but now that he is here it should be a bit easier. Meanwhile he is doing a lot of things that otherwise I would have to do. He has been great help and somehow filled his days with a number of tasks which is brilliant. 
  • Oliver started his new school on tuesday. It's a brilliant school, 7 minutes walk from home and Mike collects him in the afternoon. Both enjoy so much the time together, it's fantastic to see the bond growing.
  • Martina is in full time day care on campus, they have their own private woodland and she LOVES it. Every friday they will do this "Forest school", no matter the weather, where they will learn about respect for nature but also building shelters,  tracking games, camp fire cooking....I want to go to!! Its concept originates in Denmark and it sounds amazing.
  • Me. I'm doing ok. Now I have a bit more balance and I managed to catch up on a few things in work. We have been quite successful recently with our research and securing grants so I am more relaxed. My lab is still not ready and the group will relocate in 3 weeks. I'm told "there is plenty of time..." I suspect we will be playing cards for a while.
I will try and be back soon, I am reading though!

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Move complete

Oh why is it so difficult for me to blog these days? I love to see what you have been up to and I think it's the same for you and yet I just seem to have nothing to say.

So after Brexit here nothing has changed. We all think it will change for the worse but nobody knows when it will happen. And we all just go along as normal. But one thing did happen, Mike had an interview with a company after Brexit, they went ahead with the interview, they didn't offer him the job but said he was great and everyone felt he would have been a great fit and to please apply again. I never heard such a thing. You either fit their profile or you don't. Yet it seems they didn't hire him because they decided to stay with the skill set they already had within  the company. We will see.

I moved over the car and now the house has relocated, I have all my things (albeit in boxes!) and Mike is the one who is roaming. The children are in Italy and my parents have been minding them for almost a month. The plan was for them to stay there till the end of August by my parents had enough, so we go for two weeks and then we taken them back....or I take them back to Nottingham. Which will be interesting because I don't know exactly what I can do with them till their school/daycare start. I have booked Oliver into a summer camps here on the University grounds and Martina will start her transition into the day care also on campus. The fact that the children are coming back with me in mid August means I have to have the house in much better shape and much quicker than I thought I had to. Their room was used much as the storage room while I was sorting out the wardrobes (which had to be built and Mike built two out of three already) and now every evening I'm shifting stuff in the attic or into a different room....not fun!!

Of course after months of intense travelling, plus the move etc I came down with the worse flu in years...all last week I had very high temp and a cough. On friday I started feeling a bit better, I still have a cough and very low energy but I'm no longer homebound.

Oh and I got my first UK grant!! So I feel a little less under pressure. Lets hope I continue to do well.

Friday, June 24, 2016


Seriously? Seriously?

Trump next?

Because everything that makes no sense at all is possible.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

It's been a long time

Hello there, if you are still there. I think I have lost the groove. Very happy to read what you are writing by never seem to be properly inspired to write a post myself. I'll do a bullet point update:

  • Oliver is in great form, since we met with the therapist that time back in March and she gave us a few pointers we are well on track and his behaviour is like night and day now. Of course we have the occasional moments but we manage them very well (mostly!).
  • Martina had her third birthday back in April and she went today for her developmental check. She is in the 75th % for height and weight and reached all the expected milestones and some. She is very reasonable on the majority of fronts a part when it comes to wearing things. She can change 3 times a day just because she wants to try on something different. She is obsessed with pink and purple, and leggings and dresses and skirts. Don't insist on her wearing a pair of pants or jeans as this is a capital offence. 
  • The move to the UK is happening, I have found a beautiful house and I have the keys as of last monday, we have tenants lined up for our house in Dublin and everything is falling nicely into place. We had a great stint of good weather which helps dramatically too! the house content will relocate the second week in July, I'm tendering at the moment for the best price. We will bring the children to Italy on the 2nd of July and they will stay there till they are ready to move to the UK in August. We will go to Italy on holidays sometime towards the end of July for a couple of weeks and we'll bring everyone back.
  • Work is going very well, I have been travelling A LOT. Switzerland, Holland, Puerto Rico...I'm going to Finland and Norway next week too. I have finished almost all my recruiting for next year, still have one position to fill but hopefully soon. Work has kept me busy and distracted a lot, Mike is amazing at minding the children and I am never worried they are doing well. My mom came over to Dublin the week I went to Puerto Rico to help a bit so that was great.
  • Mike and I have started couple therapy and I think it is helping. I have been positively surprised by the fact that Mike seems to be putting a lot of effort in, also for himself and see if he can overcome some emotional hurdles he clearly has and that clash completely with my needs. Lets give it some more time.
How have you all been?